starring Mother Nature as herself

…No government agency is taking action to remove the decaying carcass of a whale on a California beach, making it appear the job will be left to Mother Nature

…”There seems to be no readiness to take responsibility, to take action, just a lot of excuses. ‘I don’t have a boat, I don’t have the money, I don’t have the resources,’ they all told me,” he said…

36 Comments!

  1. Posted December 8, 2012 at 12:42 pm |

    They could always do this.

  2. Melissa In Texas
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 12:52 pm |

    That video never fails to crack me up!

  3. bocopro
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm |

    I dunno . . . I just find it SO-O-O fitting, SO-O-O a pro pos, SO-O-O symbolic that a huge pile of rotting flesh is impacting on the homes of such putrid personalities as Cher, Penn, Sheen, Hoffman, Streisand, Hanks, and a buncha others of that leftist, anti-US ilk.

  4. Lord of the Fleas
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm |

    Aren’t these the folks who do everything they can to prevent oil and gas drilling in places they never visit (much less would live in) so as not to interfere with the natural order of things?

    Now they find out about the natural ODOR of things, and they want “something done”.

    Poor babies …..

  5. Colonel Jerry USMC
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm |

    Tears, the size of horseturds, I tell ya—–an I cain`t stop em, neither. Mommy Nature has a solution, but a problem might be that the folks that sunk a zillion dollars into a house jist barely above the high tide water mark won`t unnerstan….

    The Pacific Ocean, which is a hunnert tousand times more populated w critters(…mortal, I add…) than the *lunatards* choosing to build and occupy houses, in competition with 29 17/39 X 10 to the gazillionth power of crabs an sea gulls—–are gonna lose The Battle of the Pacific Ocean! {,,,variously known as the “War between SCALES & SCUM”!…}

    Think about it; when you start to go blind trying to read Van Jone`s latest book under a curly light bub an find out that a whale oil lamp might give you a speck more lumins to read by, you will, natch, not make no connection, whatsoever……………….

    Why? Cause you are gonna fail a Spelling Bee agin the fucking illegal aliens that you welcomed to Californicateya (…sooo long as they jist clean your stinking fucking house an stay in Santa Ana…..that there is why. Plus they make messican food that yew cain`t do an have 4-5 kids when you hate the little shits (….an for good reason….) which is: you suck as a parent…”

    “Whale, that about covers yewr big pitcher, beoytch, cept yewr nose is too big ffor your dormant brane…………..

    [... this is the lamest comment I have ever made an I apoligize to Teh Porch for the loss of my "blade edge": an trust you all will nail it waaaay better, as is your wont................] Four more years jist bugs me, beyond description….

  6. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm |

    ^ At least next time maybe you can tell us how you really feel :)

  7. JoeBandMember™
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm |

    No worries, mates, the rising sea level will take care of it.

    oh, wait…the sea isn’t rising.

    Well, the acidic ocean waves will just make quick work of it then.

    What’s that? The ocean is salty and not acidic?

    Well, then just do as Barnacle Bill The Sailor would do, and dig a big ditch and bury the bitch. And be sure to throw the whale in, too.

  8. Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm |

    Cat food. How hard is this?

  9. JoeBandMember™
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm |

    The whale, Hog, the whale.

  10. Jess
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm |

    They could always get a few chainsaws, some large knives and carve away the whale to sections that can be handled. Of course this would involve ingenuity and work. I doubt any of the residents are qualified, so let them enjoy the odor…it smells like their politics.

  11. lil bro
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm |

    Nuke it from space.

  12. Lord of the Fleas
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm |

    ^ BIG nuke, lil bro. And lots of ‘em.

    ‘Cuz there’ a lot of putrefaction in that neighbourhood to get rid of ….

  13. Posted December 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm |

    I have endured the smell of death, People’s to little Animals many times. Not pleasant by any means.

    Going down to Santa Monica for a wedding,(Yay), tonight, and upon orders from my Porch Superior Officer, Colonel- Either one of you, I shall take my trusty razor sharp Ka-Bar and perform a night maneuver.

    Slice that baby from stem to stern…… Think it smells bad now?

    Awaiting Orders, Sirs!

  14. geezerette
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm |

    :)))) the video– not sure how big the chunks will be after we blow it up——:)) just the image of big chunks of stinky dead whale guts and all shplucked all over (OO)–Holy Whuh!!
    Very good Col.J. –all of you.

  15. DougM (Well, thaaat sucked!)
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm |

    Since it’s an endangered species,
    one can probably get into a passel of trouble from the Feds
    for doing anything with the carcass parts.

  16. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm |

    If it were 20 tons of pirate treasure instead of rotting flesh that washed up, I’d bet the offended residents would find a boat and a contractor toot sweet, and if the government insisted on getting involved in that case, they’d howl like stuck pigs about their property rights.
    Libs never comingle rights and responsibilities.

  17. Posted December 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm |

    ^^ well, that’s One Colonel down. But, because you weren’t Marine, I shall await a “Go” from the other. We shall speak in code, N’Qoss… It is Opposite Day, you know.

  18. mojo
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm |

    Rename it “Denmark”…

    Yes, I’ve read a play. Try not to faint.

  19. DougM (Well, thaaat sucked!)
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 5:38 pm |

    ^ After all,
    Malibu is just a hamlet on the SoCal beach.

    Perhaps we should call the carcass Gonzago.
    (Having read a play within a play.)

    Anybody heard if there was any sign of Jonah?
    How about Pinocchio?
    Ahab?

  20. Caged Insanity
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 5:45 pm |

    We need a bunch of people to dress up as enviro-tards and protest in the streets with “Save the whale!” signs.

  21. Melissa In Texas
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 5:49 pm |

    ^BWAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAA^

  22. mojo
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 6:02 pm |

    “When the wind is westerly, I… Jesus Christ! What’s that stench?”

  23. TiminAL
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 6:19 pm |

    ^^^^ Strei – sand

  24. bocopro
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 6:29 pm |

    HAMLET
    Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in shape of a camel?
    POLONIUS
    By the mass, and ’tis like a camel, indeed.
    HAMLET
    Methinks it is like a weasel.
    POLONIUS
    It is backed like a weasel.
    HAMLET
    Or like a whale?
    POLONIUS
    Very like a whale.
    HAMLET
    Then I will come to Malibu by and by. They fool
    me and I am getting bent.
    (Exeunt all but Hamlet)
    HAMLET
    Tis now the very bitching time of night,
    When libtards prowl and Hollywood breathes out
    Contagion to this world: now could I skewer progs,
    And kick the halfrican’s ass back to Kenya.
    But that’s another tune, so now to Streisand.
    O Glock, lose not thy nature; let not ever
    The soul of Schumer deter this taut finger:
    Let me be cruel, downright brutal:
    I will speak nothing to her, and listen not;
    Her tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;
    How ever such angelic voice did rise
    From such a fiendish monster in disguise.

  25. Claire: rebellious pink pig with car keys - and a *cause*
    Posted December 8, 2012 at 7:03 pm |

    bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaaaa etc.
    govt work processes Progresses.

    Any random stranger in the region *cough* might consider a quarter stick of dynamite in just the right places. It’s gonna be warm there for a week, no?

  26. Posted December 8, 2012 at 8:10 pm |

    ^^^ Claire, Twoud, but have not received orders.

    Tis a sorry time we live,
    When a Whale which needs a Shiv,
    He smells the beach,
    Not nice,
    He really needs a Slice.

  27. Buzz
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 7:19 am |

    Did someone nickname the whale, “America?”

  28. Colonel Jerry USMC
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 7:32 am |

    OOOkkkkkAyyyyyy, I got the pitcher Wollf. Couldn`t issue SMEAC mission orders on accounta, according to UCMJ, K-Bar to whale is a capital offense, punishable by life or death.

    YOU meant the *FISH* whale! Not the nom de plume for humanoid whose face is on this thread……

    Set cher hair on fire, Gyrene……After action report(s) = waived!

  29. Posted December 9, 2012 at 8:17 am |

    I’m officially lost now. I just wanted to kill the dead fucking whale.

  30. geezerette
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 8:19 am |

    whoopie^^^^—– can’t there be video’s at least? ‘Course I ‘spose there won’t be any big chunks left to fly around and get shplucked all over.

  31. Claire: rebellious pink pig with car keys - and a *cause*
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 9:05 am |

    ^^^Word Of Teh WEEK: shplucked

    Def: what rational people desire to see happen to lunitards and dead whales; see them shplucked all over the landscape

  32. Buzz
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 10:35 am |

    So what did this gargantuan mammal exclaim after his (theorized) mortal wounding from a ship?

    Whale oil beef hooked!

  33. bocopro
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 10:43 am |

    Grease us twice, man. That’s as bad as some that Denny puts up on his site.

  34. Posted December 9, 2012 at 10:53 am |

    Use a sharp machete attached to a long pole … ya don’t want to be near it when you open it up.

  35. Steve Skubinna
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm |

    JoeBandMember, my recollection of Barnacle Bill’s treatment of whales differs somewhat:

    “I caught me more’n a hundred whales
    Said Barnacle Bill the sailor.
    I grabbed ‘em by their big toenails
    Said Barnacle Bill the sailor.
    I tied ‘em together two by two
    and sailed ‘em down to Timbuktu
    Where I traded ‘em in for a kangaroo
    Said Barnacle Bill the sailor.”

  36. accipiter NW
    Posted December 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm |

    Can’t find the story, but recall over 20 years ago a live beached whale somewhere on the West Coast was pulled out to sea by an ARCO vessel. I thought it was even more powerfull than a tug and never heard of the large whale dying later or coming back ashore. Good thing those evil oil companies aren’t working toward Cal’s energy independence and helping clean nature’s occupy movement off the beaches.