today’s audience participation

I feel like shit and look far worse.

Make me laugh dammit!

Finish your assignment! »
You can give me something to bitch about too if that’s all you have.

I like bitching too :)


  1. MCPO
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 10:38 am |

    This should make you feel better;

    Even my nose is bruised!

  2. geezerette
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 10:51 am |

    Somebody had surgery on their eye lids. Or got the crap punched out of him. ICE!!!

  3. jw
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:04 am |

    did you hear about the new Divorce Barbie? comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

    that’s the best i’ve got right now.

  4. Steve_in_CA
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:07 am |

    Saw this posted, but don’t remember where:

    Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

  5. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:08 am |

    HOLY CRAP Air-DALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You look just like ME this morning. Only better.

    Now show us what the other guy looks like……..

  6. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:09 am |

    Ok Steve. I laughed.

  7. Steve_in_CA
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:12 am |

    I am know for bringing joy where ever I go. Sometimes by stopping by, the rest by leaving.

  8. Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:16 am |

    Growing up, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be……

    Phonetically, “Telehas Zoopie” tells an Arab to S4*k my D&*k. Always a nice thing to have in reserve at the local liquor store….

  9. MCPO
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:17 am |

    I can make ANYONE look better today! :-)

  10. Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:23 am |

    My horse Hermanito had been very nearly ruined by a so-called professional trainer here in NC. He’s a 15 year old polo pony and she had screwed up his back so bad it was like riding a Lego horse that was broken in the middle and he would try to toss you on downhills.
    I sent him out to a trainer I trust in Abq who should be an Olympic rider (IMHO).
    Today she called laughing. He and another old horse named Blue were playing stallion games. Running flat out, neighing and rearing. Hermanito was rearing straight up!
    Amazing for a horse that could barely trot a year ago.

    Maybe not laugh worthy, but it made MY day.

  11. Sean
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:25 am |

  12. Madams1064
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 11:44 am |

    What is the last thing a Tickle Me Elmo gets before he gets packed up to leave the factory?

    2 test tickles

    Sorry, I work with a lot of adult children. It’s the best I got.

  13. mech
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm |

    1. Right click on you’re desk top and make a new folder.
    2. Name it President Obama
    3. Right click on the new folder and hit delete. It should now read are you sure you want to send President Obama to the recycle bin? Then click yes.
    It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Tomorrow you do that for Nancy Pelosi.

  14. mech
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm |

  15. Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm |

    Got home from a hard day of wrangling bits at the local missile factory, to find stepson’s new textbooks. I noticed one in particular, and could not, for the life of me, figure out why he had a computer textbook written in Spanish. When the penny dropped, it was face palm time.

    The title? “Dos Mundos”, meaning, not “DOS Worlds”, but “Two Worlds”.

    We went on vacation soon after that.

    I haven’t said anything about you and Rummy before, because I really don’t know what to say. I know the fear, and worse, the uncertainty, and the feeling of powerlessness. My heart aches for you both.


  16. Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm |

    A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

    The bartender says, “Hey, where’d you get that ratty thing?”

    The parrot says, “Well it started out as a wart on my ass and just kept growing!”

  17. mech
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm |

    Hey, made me smile!

  18. NJ Mike
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm |

    Here’s a dirty one for ya’……..

    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan are settin’ round drinking…….the topic turns to how to excite your wife……..
    Frenchie says………”First, I scatter zee rose petals all over her naked body, and then I poof poof poof them off with my lips…Zis drives her wild.”

    The English guy says……..”I warm the massage oil in my hands, and rub her entire body until it tingles with anticipation………makes her mad!!”

    Tex looks at the other two and kinda smirks……….”Waaaall, he says……First I screw her, then I wipe myself on the curtains and that really gets her excited……..”

    I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

  19. Thunderbottom
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm |

    You might be a Lutheran if:

    1. You carry silverware at all times just in case you find yourself at a “pot-luck” dinner;

    2. You consider Jello fruit salad to be one of the major food groups;

    3. You sing “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus” while remaining seated;

    4. Your ushers keep the Sunday collection in an unlocked drawer in the church office, but keep the coffee supplies and afterservice coffee fund under lock and key;

    5. Your pastor and church elders regard the afterservice coffee as the unnamed third sacrament of the Lutheran Church;

    6. You’re 40 years old and your parents still won’t let you date Catholics;

    7. You acknowledge any fact with the phrase, “This is most certainly true.” (that last one requires some familiarity with Luther’s Small Catechism).

  20. MikeG
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm |

    It’s all I got for now. I can do better.

  21. Alan outback bacon czar
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:10 pm |

    What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


  22. Alan outback bacon czar
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm |

    Today is my birthday. I can bitch about that.

  23. MikeG
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm |

    For you Big Bang Theory fans

  24. geezerette
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm |

    ^^ thanks^^ Thunder bottom you couldn’t be from Mineeesota could you? Loudlight — Everything always starts with a wart on your ass.

  25. The Digital Hairshirt
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm |

    What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and no torso?


    And now, a video I made about my friend and her chickens.

  26. The Digital Hairshirt
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:54 pm |

    Do homeless people get knock-knock jokes?

  27. The Digital Hairshirt
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm |

    My brother is dating an x-ray technician. I don’t know what the hell she sees in him.

  28. The Digital Hairshirt
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm |

    How about my daughter doing JAWS with a stuffed toy from 3 years ago?

  29. geezerette
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm |

    ^^ Oh my ^^ when I was just a wee one we had chickens –they were for eggs and Sunday chicken dinner– :)) We had a mean SOB rooster that chased us and the other chickens all over pecking at us and I don’t care how fancy they are their sh*t does stink!! The only one that was a pet was the one that the others picked all the feathers off it’s head.

  30. Justin Credible
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 3:03 pm |

    Not even eligible for a Darwin Award, but I laughed.

  31. kinlaw
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm |

    John Kerry walks into the Capitol building…

    Hey, it’s funny to me.

  32. JohnO
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm |

    A Yank and an Irishman are up for the same job in Dublin with the same qualifications. The employer says the final qualification will be a 10 question test. After the test, both score 9 out of ten, but the Irish employer gives the job to the Yank.

    “But I’m a native son”, says the Irishman. “We have the same qualifications, same score on the test. How can you give the job to the American”?

    “Well”, says the Irish employer, “The one question the Yank got wrong he answered ‘I don’t know’, and you answered ‘I don’t know either’”.

  33. Colonel Jerry USMC
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm |

    Okay, here is a funny, but true story:

    When stationed in Iwakuni, Japan in an F4 Phantom squadron. One morning the sqdn ordnance officer showed up in the ready room and his mustache and eyebrows were just ashen and burnt stubs. I said, “Stoney, what the fuck happened to you?”

    Stoney replied, “Well I squired this josan last night from her night club to her home. As she unlocked the door to her small home, I hugged her and said that I would blow her socks off!! (…Back then, Japanese heated their homes with propane tanks that had heaters on a long clear plastic line, so they could move the heat from room to room. Josan`s propane heater had sprung a leak and filled her little home with propane gas…)

    The problem? When she opened her door—-Stoney was smoking a Lucky Strike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    KAAAABOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM……….no more josan home……

  34. Burgie
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm |

    A limrick –

    There once was a man from Nantucket,
    kept his cash in a galvanized bucket,
    his girlfriend Nan, ran off with some man,
    as for the bucket, Nantucket.

  35. SSG Christopher Whitaker
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm |

    This should at least get a grin…

  36. DougM (Well, thaaat sucked!)
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 6:19 pm |

    This. Definitely.

    And finally …
    a little Christmas music
    (What? Yeah, I know it’s not Rammstein, but still …)

    Hey, I just noticed that it’s better if you play the music in the background while watching Michelle’s .gif (the “This” link at the top)


  37. TimB52
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:12 pm |

    This video had me in tears laughing. Srsly.

  38. rickn8or
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:13 pm |

    Thunderbottom, how many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three: One to change it and two to talk about how much better the old one was.

    (Former ladyfriend was a Missouri Synod.)

  39. Thunderbottom
    Posted December 15, 2012 at 6:22 am |

    #24, geezerette: Not from “Meeneesohtah”; I’m a Germanic “Misery Synod” Lutheran from the north side of “Shee-Kha-Gha”.

    #38, rickn8or: As a long-time LC-MS member, I can relate. The way I’ve heard that joke is:
    Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Change?!

  40. Posted December 15, 2012 at 9:24 pm |

    A young Chinese couple were newlyweds and preparing for their nuptials. Both were virgins, and the new husband wanted to allay any fears his bride might have.
    “I do anything you want, anything you ask,” he assured her.
    “Well,” she blushed ravishingly, “Other girls tell me to try numbah 69.”
    Her husband looks puzzled, and asks “Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?”