Note to Prog “scientists”*

Do. not. screw. up. no-kiddin’. real. actual. science science.
We engineers need real reality to design with,
or stuff goes terribly, terribly wrong!

* AKA Lysenkoists

More from Colonel Jerry's disturbed sense of humor, BTF: »
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

10 Comments!

  1. mojo
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:11 pm |

    It begins:
    Baboons Begin Making Coordinated Attacks on Village in Saudi Arabia

    Pity-ful Hu-mans! You will be exterminated!

    (BTW: A friend of mine whose parents were missionaries in Ethiopia once gave me some good advice, hard won by himself: NEVER throw a rock at a baboon. The understand the concept, and they’re damn good at it. They will throw rocks back. So will all their friends. You WILL get hurt.)

  2. DougM (Progophobe)
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:26 pm |

    ^ Baboon-on-baboon crime is sooo sad.
    (What? Well, I didn’t mean mojo’s friends, but okay.)

  3. mojo
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:46 pm |

    PS:
    Argentina Insures Massive Shortages Of All Commodities

  4. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 2:14 pm |

    We engineers need real reality to design with,
    or stuff goes terribly, terribly wrong

    Even so, we still kept our motto posted:
    When all else fails,
    Beat to suit, file to fit, paint to hide.

  5. rickn8or
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm |

    Dick, ya left out “Measure with a yardstick, cut with a torch.”

  6. DougM (Progophobe)
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 3:09 pm |

    ^ … while reading drawings spec’d in thousanths of an inch.
    … after expensive, specialized heat-treating.

  7. mojo
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 3:23 pm |

    “If it won’t go, FORCE it!”

  8. PeggyU
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 3:28 am |

    ^ Mojo – Nice avatar!

  9. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 9:58 am |

    I’m trying to start an “Alien Reptile” party. Resistance is Futile! Fleet Lord Zzzzrghk’k for Planetary Overlord!

  10. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 3:18 pm |

    And Doug forgot the classic:

    An Optimist says the glass is half full
    A Pessimist says the glass is half empty
    An Engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.