tinfoil-hat time

Okay, we I haven’t talked about the latest list of conspiracies, both government and commercial, that just gotta, I mean gotta be worthy of bein’ looked into by sommmebody. This is just this morning’s batch.
Shirley*, you have others.

• Twist ties. Generally, one finds them twisted clockwise, but I’ve noticed that anti-clockwise twists seem to be common on imports from countries that use the metric system. Shirley, the FDA or Customs or somebody has a clockwise-twist standard for these things. Why is this not being enforced?

• Door-knob height. Didja ever notice that standard door-knob height is exactly the height at which a 6’1″ man wears his watch on his wrist? Shirley, there must have been collusion between door manufacturers, building-code writers, and watch-crystal manufacturers. Must‘a been! That, people, is no coincidence!
[rubs aching left wrist]

• And the UL rating on extension cords is totally bogus! Shirley, they should’a tested these things for ingestability by Roombas. How many times have we all come home to find a partially vacuumed billiards room as a result of a Roomba bein’ stalled by a cord and an expensive tiffany lamp tipped over on the chessboard.
I mean, geeze louise, how hard can it be?!

Yeah, the truth is out there,**
but that doesn’t mean one can’t create one’s own. [/progspeak]

* Cultural ref
** Cultural ref

23 Comments!

  1. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 10:40 am |

    Ok. LOL is about all I can muster up at the moment.

  2. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 10:41 am |

    I used to amuse myself by walking around with an extension cord, in order to demonstrate “unreasoning fear”.

    People fear electricity, mainly because they don’t understand it. To most, it’s something that lurks behind the plug-hole, or hides in the light switch.

    I’d take the prong end of the cord, and ask somebody to touch it. Mind you, BOTH ends of the cord were in full view.

    About 70% of the time, they would refuse. Another 20% would touch, but only a quickie. Only about 10% laughed and grabbed the end without a care.

  3. Steve Skubinna
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 11:29 am |

    Twist ties. I am left handed, so naturally I twist them opposite to the way everyone else does. It never occurred to me, though, until one day my Dad was trying to open a loaf of bread and discovered that he had been twisting the tie even tighter.

    And so he groused a bit. Lucky for me that he didn’t see how I twisted them – for whatever reason, my habit was (and still is) to hold the tie stationary and twirl the bread bag around it. For one thing, it’s faster than laboriously making a half turn on the tie and then regrabbing for another.

  4. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 11:44 am |

    mojo…JR told me that an electrician will use their right hands when “in doubt” as to ensure that the current will go thru the right side of their body to ground as opposed to the left through the heart.

    Since then, I won’t even turn on a light switch with my left hand!

  5. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 11:55 am |

    How about this one?

    It also has one of my pet peeves – edited Jefferson.

    Here’s the usual (edited) quotation:
    “I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.”
    —Thomas Jefferson

    The full quote is “The priests fear me, and with good reason; for I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.”

  6. Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:04 pm |

    Hurricane Names. We’re supposed to afraid of “Sandy”? Nope, that just lulls me sleep.

    You want people to get the hell out of Dodge?

    Name the “Rizzo” or “LeRoy” or “Syphilis”

  7. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm |

    “Killer”

  8. SondraK, Queen of my domain
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm |

    How about the number of buns per package vs the number of hot dogs?
    It’s to make you buy 80 of one and 67 of the other or something like that to get them to even out.

    But here’s where the conspiracy comes in: Hebrew Nationals come in 7s.

    ( extra good one because of the Jooz )

  9. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:31 pm |

    You’re missing the point.

    Sure, buns come in packs of 8, while dogs come in packs of 10, but the thing to remember is that YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO MAKE EITHER YOURSELF, and you can enjoy a tasty, nutritious hot dog whenever you like.

    That’s “capitalism”.

  10. mojo
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:37 pm |

    Oy yeah, the “right hand” thing.

    Actually, the rule is “one hand working, one in your pocket.”

    There are lefties, after all. Also, remove rings and watches first.

    Also, “use the right tool”, which is an important one. I saw a guy go into a radar set once, with a steel screwdriver, which he got too near the magnetron. The magnetron was carrying 30kV at an amp and a half.

    BZZZZZZT!

    That quick. Right through the plastic handle and the rubber soles of his boots, plus an insulation mat. I can still smell it.

    That’s why we had bronze tools in there. Non-magnetic.

  11. Hank
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:46 pm |

    That’s why we had bronze tools in there. Non-magnetic

    Sure, that’s what they told you. Are you sure they didn’t just replace all of your test magnets with special, non-bronze attracting decoys?

  12. logdogsmith
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 12:50 pm |

    Twist ties: It’s the Republicans fault cause they rejected Obama’s Twist Tie Czar.

    Door Knob: Sounds dangerous. Obama will spend the next three months working with a group of experts to draft some excellent doorknobwatchsafety executive orders. For the children.

    Roomba: Obama will encourage the senate to appoint a panel of experts to draft new safety legislation regards to roombas and extension chords. The result will be that the only lab capable of testing roombas for not sucking up things they should not suck up will be related to Harry Ried. As for extensions, major chords will be deemed to dangerous and all songs will have to be in minor safe chords.

  13. geezerette
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 1:08 pm |

    Clippy clothes pins instead of twisty ties— curtains and blinds that are never the same width as the windows. Corner of the counter top right at your hip bone.

  14. RonF
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 1:11 pm |

    Actually, I have personally found that doorknobs hit a 6′ 2″ male in something a lot more vital than their wrist watch if they don’t keep a sharp eye out.

  15. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 1:56 pm |

    Four wheel drive pickups (F-150 in my case) with only 4″ wheel travel but 16″ tire to fender clearance, resulting in a 5′-10″ guy not being able to reach over the side rails to get anything out of the bed. I carry an iron rake with me all the time to pull stuff out via the tailgate.
    I guess Uhbama, upon hearing my complaint, will mandate that all 4WD F-150 drivers must be at least 6′-4″ with at least 37″ sleeve length. There might be an orangutan exception.

  16. Freddie Sykes
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 2:19 pm |

    Not to appear sinister, but those counter-clockwise ties are a Wiccan plot, aka Operation Widdershins.The only way to stop it is to sign up, with all due dexterity, for Operation Deasil.

  17. rickn8or
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 6:21 pm |

    Why put the twist-tie back? Hold the open end of the bag, spin the rest of it, and tuck the tail under the loaf.

    Used to make the ex go absolutely crackers with that one.

  18. Posted February 5, 2013 at 6:36 pm |

    You ever had a wife who would twist the tie one way, one time, and then twist it the other way the next time?

    I have.

  19. Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:02 pm |

    10-packs of tube meat are made for grillin’: 1 for the cook, 1 for the dog (“hush, puppy”), 8 for the buns.

  20. ZZMike
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 7:09 pm |

    Door knob height: not nearly as bad as the door-jamb latches with the little curvy ends that stick out and are exactly the same height as my belt-loops.

    SondraK (#4): I don’t think 120 (or 240) V going through either side of your body is any sort of good for you.

    mojo (#10): You also don’t want to get any sort of metal near an MRI machine. I heard tell where a janitor was walking by, the door was open, and the magnet sucked his vacuum cleaner clear across the room.

  21. Caged Insanity
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 8:27 pm |

    LOL @ Wolff: I can just see it now “Hurricane LeRoy Jenkins”

  22. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted February 5, 2013 at 10:50 pm |

    ^ZZMike (20) A surgeon recently told me of a guy who was getting an MRI; a nurse walked into the room with a small oxygen canister and the magnet ripped the cylinder out of her hands, the cylinder flew into the tube, brained the guy, and he died.

  23. ZZMike
    Posted February 6, 2013 at 9:55 pm |

    dnqdwg: I think that’s why they don’t like people with metal piercings or pacemakers to get MRIs.