Quick!

Say somethin funny.

Finish your assignment! »

yeah… or show me something interesting.

35 Comments!

  1. geezerette
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 10:32 am |

    Funny————— debate on the morning news this am about working mothers and the luxury of stay home mothers—
    Country Sheriff deputy called the Sheriff———Sir we’ve been called the Perfect Couples home Mrs. Perfect Couple just shot Mr, Perfect Couple because he walked across her just scrubbed kitchen floor.
    Did you arrest her???
    No sir the floor is still wet.
    I know BOOOOOO

  2. DougM (quiet, keeps to himself, kind of a loner, nobody thought he’d do anything like this)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 10:48 am |

    Friday’s solar eclipse seen from space
    Okay, I know that’s not nearly as cool as watching the Sun being devoured by a dragon, but still …

  3. MikeG
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 10:55 am |

    30 some years ago a bunch of my cohorts, me, and my then fiancé were partying and a park. Around the 4th of July, I think. We noticed about a half hour before the liquor store closed that we were dangerously low on beer. I convinced the bride to be to let me and my “best man,” Bill take her 1970-ish Vega into town to get more.

    Bill drove since I had not yet mastered manual transmissions. When we got to town, Bill decided to take a spin through a small park since we had plenty of time. Sure, we were probably looking for babes. It had rained a lot recently and there were large puddles all over the park. Of course we had to drive through each one and stupid speeds. We got about half way through one of them when we got in deep enough to sink the tailpipe under water, which I guess cause us to stall. We sat there for a bit and figured we better get out and push. I opened my door. Water rushed in. Bill opened his. More water. Great. We get out, lock the doors, with the keys in the ignition. Of course the headlights are on.

    You guys remember that before power locks you could open a locked car with a coat hanger, right? We needed one. We were on our way over to the house of a guy we knew to get one when we saw some kid, maybe 15yrs old walking around, minding his own business. Figured we could save some time and ask this kid for a hanger.

    “Hey, kid!” We start to run to him. Musta freaked him out because he took off running like we were going to beat the crap outta him or something. Couple drunk guys chasing some poor kid though smalltown USA. Finally caught him and got him to give us a hanger.

    Back to the Vega, unlocked the doors. Couple locals came by with a truck and a tow rope. (OK it was a clothes line) and pulled us out. We used a bar glass that we had stolen earlier to bail out as much water as we could. By now, of course the store was closed and we returned to our group. Beer-less.

    Judging from the temperature in the car on the way home, my fiancé was beyond pissed off. Said something about Bill not getting to be in the wedding. He still was though. Best man too.

    Different bride of course.

  4. logdogsmith
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 11:01 am |

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

    ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked ‘How does that feel’?

    Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!

  5. DougM (quiet, keeps to himself, kind of a loner, nobody thought he’d do anything like this)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 11:14 am |

    Since tomorrow is Monday,
    perhaps you need some perspective on the new work week:
    Labor
    Management

  6. bocopro
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 11:23 am |

    One of my grandsons wanted to get some camouflage pants, but he couldn’t find any.
    ““““
    Wife didn’t come out this morning when Dawg and I got back from our morning walk. Not in her bedroom either. Started to get worried about her, but finally she showed up, saying, “I slept like a log last nite.” Then I realized she’d spent the night in the fireplace.
    ““““`
    A priest, preacher, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
    “““““
    Garry Kasparov and Bobby Fischer were having dinner at a place which used checkered tablecloths. Took them over an hour to pass the salt and pepper.
    ““““`
    Three-legged dog limps into a saloon and slides up to the bar. “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
    “““““
    Gert, a 95-year-old who’d just lost her husband of more than 70 years, decided to join him in death. She figured she’d shoot herself in the heart since it was already broken.

    Not being particularly strong in health & science classes in school, she wasn’t exactly sure where the heart is located. Afraid she might miss and become a burden to her children by becoming a vegetable, she called her friend Marge, who always sounded so smart, to ask about it.

    “It’s just to the left of center of the chest,” Marge said. “Right below the left breast.”

    An hour later the EMTs took Gert to a hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

  7. geezerette
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 11:41 am |

    bocopro——–they are all good but the last one got the laugh out loud rating.

  8. JoeBandMember ≠ (darn right I'm not equal to that)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 11:49 am |

    One of my co-workers was walking into the men’s rest room at the head shed. Out comes a woman and he suddenly comes to the conclusion that he has the wrong rest room. So, he goes to the next rest room over, and when he walked in there were no urinals.

  9. PeggyU
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 12:11 pm |

    The University of Oxford was founded at least 200 years before the Aztec Empire began to form.

    Weird, but true.

  10. Fawkes News (#BarackLiesMatter)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 12:21 pm |

    Joe Biden and Al Gore want to run for President.

  11. Thunderbottom
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 12:21 pm |

    A young man was sitting at the bar when a friend walked in. “Hey, sorry to hear about your uncle passing away,” the friend said.

    “Yeah, thanks, man – my Uncle Dan was my favorite,” answered the young man.

    “I hear he was really well off – and a big collector. Did he leave you anything?” asked the friend as he sipped his beer.

    “Just this big old Bible. I don’t know why – he knew I wasn’t really religious. And it’s in German, I think – I don’t speak German,” said the young man.

    “German, huh?” said his friend, taking a sip from his beer. “Yeah, printed by some guy named ‘Gutenberg’,” replied the young man. At this, the friend did a “spit take”, nearly falling off of his stool.

    GUTENBERG?! Your uncle left you a GUTENBERG BIBLE?!” shouted his friend. The young man, somewhat surprised at his friend’s reaction, replied, “Yeah, a Gutenberg Bible – what, is it valuable?”

    Valuable?! Dude, it’s priceless! It was the first book – in Europe, at least – to be printed on a press with movable type! You could take that Bible to any museum, any big-name art gallery, or any deep-pocketed private collector and name your price!” shouted the friend. “Dude, what you could get for that book, you’d be set for life!”

    “That valuable, huh?” The young man took a sip from his beer and frowned. “I dunno, man – the book’s been defaced.”

    “Oh, no!” replied his friend, “How bad?”

    The young man replied, “Well, some dude named Martin Luther scribbled notes in most of the margins.”

  12. bocopro
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 12:37 pm |

    I can visualize Abbott & Costello, Burns & Allen, or Rowan & Martin doin that one, Thunderbottom.

  13. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 12:59 pm |

    ^bocopro – Burns & Allen
    I can hear Gracie delivering the punchline.

  14. geezerette
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 1:10 pm |

    It’s Marche du Main Rouge day in Detroit to commemorate getting rid of the devil who predicted the ruin of Detroit to Cadillac. I think he still resides in Detroit.

  15. iDaemon
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 1:28 pm |

    Interesting: http://malinen.info/malinen/100characters/

  16. Posted March 22, 2015 at 1:29 pm |

    Some music for the monkeys …

  17. DougM (quiet, keeps to himself, kind of a loner, nobody thought he’d do anything like this)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 2:48 pm |

    Kristophr ^
    *heh*
    But, wait … no bow ?
    [goes off to search for her "1812 Overture" or "Flight of the Bumble Bee"]
    _______
    bocopro 6^

    Garry Kasparov and Bobby Fischer were having dinner at a place which used checkered tablecloths. Took them over an hour to pass the salt and pepper.

    … then they asked for the check.
    (your move)

  18. DougM (quiet, keeps to himself, kind of a loner, nobody thought he’d do anything like this)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 3:01 pm |

    My dog has no nose.
    How does he smell?
    Awful.
    ______
    Cultural ref (caution: side effects include death)

  19. Wahoo
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 3:20 pm |

    Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To meet his flatmate.

  20. geezerette
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 4:30 pm |

    Don’t criticize Terry because you could die from dissin’ Terry.

  21. mech
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 4:53 pm |

    Headmissy, which Rob Lowe is that in the banner quote?

    (what is that thingy actually called, and is there a collection of past ones yet?)

  22. Fawkes News (#BarackLiesMatter)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 5:25 pm |

    ^ He’s Supported Mike Dukakis for President Rob Lowe, and he has cable.

  23. Ironic in Denver
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 6:22 pm |

    ^ See? I never supported Mike Dukakis for President and I don’t have cable…

    …and head missy never put me in a banner quote.

    Now we know what it takes, but it’s too late for me. Dukakis is never going to run for president again, even though he’s only 82 years old. (Damn! That would have been really great in 2016.)

  24. Fawkes News (#BarackLiesMatter)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 6:51 pm |

    ^ Yeah, I think Teh Duke still has some sort of paid role at Amtrak, after running it into the ground as “CEO” for countless years.

  25. mike f
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 8:09 pm |

    Standing and staring at the tomatoes in my local grocery, trying to decide which tasteless tomato to spend $3/lb on when a fellow shopper, probably 65 or better, swooped in and apparently seeing my dilemna voluntarily suggested a certain tomato she insisted had lots of taste. Well I love growing tomatoes as much as some guys like golf or fishing so she and I began a very nice conversation during which I discovered she’s a gardener and heirloom tomatoes are her favorite to grow, too. Really enjoyable to share conversation with a fellow tomato growing aficionado as this cold and wet winter comes to an end. I’ve begun to think of myself as one of the more dedicated amateur tomato growers around here but in our brief conversation she snatched that incipient rank away when she informed me – and by now the rest of the people in line around us – “I’ve already told my husband, when he dies, I’m plowing the front yard up and plantin’ it!”

    That, ladies and gentlemen, is dedication!

  26. DougM (quiet, keeps to himself, kind of a loner, nobody thought he’d do anything like this)
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 8:24 pm |

    ^ Not if she’s waitin’ until he’s dead.

  27. Claire: rebellious pink pig with car keys - and a *cause*
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 8:24 pm |

    Wow, y’all. You sure made me feel better [rough week]

    Thank you!

    I love this here Porch.

  28. Ironic in Denver
    Posted March 22, 2015 at 9:05 pm |

    ^ hope your next week’s better.

  29. mike f
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 4:54 am |

    Yeah, well, I hope she doesn’t have a plan for that!

  30. Nomen Nescio
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 6:58 am |

    Mike F, 29^
    you mean like planting heirloom husbands?

  31. Ironic in Denver
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 9:48 am |

    25 + 29 + 30:

    Both roses and tomatoes grow most sweet,
    With former lovers planted at their feet.

  32. geezerette
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 10:52 am |

    Would that be green tomatoes?

  33. Ironic in Denver
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 11:49 am |

    ^ yes, especially when fried.

  34. iDaemon
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 1:12 pm |

    Okay, one more funny/interesting, and sometimes very sad:

  35. geezerette
    Posted March 23, 2015 at 3:16 pm |

    America’s duly elected first black President.