‘Em ain’t Newt’s

The latest spy cover story?
Insurance salesman

“Several years ago, some individuals came to Iran to collect aid for Palestine… We were suspicious of the route they chose,” …. “In their possessions were a variety of reptile desert species like lizards, chameleons… We found out that their skin attracts atomic waves and that they were nuclear spies who wanted to find out where inside the Islamic Republic of Iran we have uranium mines and where we are engaged in atomic activities,” …. [story]

Perhaps the proper translation is “absorbs” not “attracts,” but I can see how they might pick up radioactive or signature-isotope dust on their feet, yeah. Not sure, though, how much better that would be than putin’ some gum on your shoe and steppin’ out’a the car to pee. Dunno.
Any nuke spy/recce specialists in the audience wanna chime-in?
Title ref for whippersnappers and future historians (and, yes, it’s possessive, not plural)
Biological ref for public school students, journalists, and victim-studies majors who didn’t get the pun


  1. neal
    Posted February 13, 2018 at 2:00 pm |

    I just knew,there was a long term Zionist Godzilla spy option on the table. Old school.

    Repurposed radiologicals. I think they tried that in Cuba.
    Russians never could get to the giant insurance mascot phase.

    I would prefer a giant Little Debbie over the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, personally.

    I like angry Gingers.

  2. TN Volunteer
    Posted February 13, 2018 at 5:34 pm |

    ….Do you expect good grammar and good taste from wallflowers that did not get past 2nd grade without being indoctrinated by Commie teachers?

  3. Posted February 13, 2018 at 6:34 pm |

    They already caught the squirrels, now the newts, I guess it’s time to release the owls!

  4. dick, not quite dead white guy
    Posted February 13, 2018 at 8:39 pm |

    Security at Oak Ridge National Labs caught a visitor who drove his car where he wasn’t supposed to go.
    He ran over a radioactive frog, which are in off-limits areas, and when they scanned his car for departure, the radiation alarm went off.
    So glow-in-the-dark newt radiation detectors are possible, but nobody wants to run over the Geico guy to find out.

  5. Lord of the Fleas
    Posted February 13, 2018 at 9:08 pm |

    John Cleese could not be reached for comment.

    (I don’t have to cite the cultural ref, do I?)

  6. DougM (not woke, just awake)
    Posted February 13, 2018 at 9:26 pm |

    ^ No, no, of course not;
    but you, uhm, might want to *cough* clarify what that might, ahh, be.
    I mean for the others, not me, of course.

    (What? No, not the Python insurance sketch. Cleese wasn’t in that one.)

  7. Nomen Nescio
    Posted February 14, 2018 at 4:54 am |

    ^^, ^, She turned me into a newt! I got better.

  8. DougM (not woke, just awake)
    Posted February 14, 2018 at 10:41 am |


  9. mech
    Posted February 15, 2018 at 3:52 pm |

    Such scintillating discussion.

    But were there really enough chameleons to do a wave? Unless they made microwaves with their little paws.

    If they were chameleons, how did they see them?