So… I won a lot of 1920s era 78rpm records on eBay. They arrived today and I was so excited I went out to meet the postman. Jack always barks at him through the window, but today since the door was open jack charged him, whereupon the poor guy panicked and threw my box of antique records at him.
Okay, well *I* think this is funny, though some may not:
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at airports.
It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. They see this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . . “Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number 6709. Shalom!”
Comment by Ironic in Denver — May 17, 2012 @ 4:40 pm
wollf, My pleasure. I’m probably a sucker for Saints in any form. Notice how the cows all stop grazing and gather round? That might be the coolest part of the whole thing. What’s it take to get a cow to stop grazing?
… and then there’s cat & mouse (It’s possible that I’m really just a kid.):
I’m not going to point out how much I hope that billiard game maps to the 2008 – 2012 election cycles, with repubs/Mitt staring as the mouse.
Comment by Ironic in Denver — May 17, 2012 @ 5:50 pm
Jones soda co. makes an energy drink called “Whoop Ass.” I always keep a can in the fridge, just in case.
I keep the “5-hour energy” drink with the condoms.
Here’s a joke for you: An honest reporter.
Actually one of my all-time favorites is:
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a journalist and I’ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
I posted this on the Olympian comment section a few months back. it got twenty or so likes, five pages of hate and then got me blocked from posting.
The Democrats bow to Islam daily. They have no clue about what the Muslims teach, nor what their “holy book” says.
Muslims are directed to take over the world. They are directed to lie to infidels. Their idea of “peace” is when they have subdued the entire world and no one is brave enough to speak against them out of fear for their lives. They treat their women and children like cattle and consider them expendable. The Qur’an teaches Muslim men that it is just fine to beat their wives. The older.perhaps more peaceful teachings are superseded by the newer more radical violent teachings.
All this, and even more, is in the Qur’an. Like chopping off the hand of a thief, and executing homosexuals and adulterers.
And still, the Democrats bow to Islam.
Comment by JoeBandMember® — May 17, 2012 @ 7:05 pm
Woman comes up to a man in a bar & says: “Sir, I’m not really like this, and in the past, I’d never consider something like this, but in the Obama economy, I’m desperate. I’ll do anything for $200.”
Guy says: “Anything?”
She says: “Well, within reason, like anything you can describe in three words.”
He says: “Paint my house.”
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer..
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’ It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’ I said, ‘Make me,’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are….’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Comment by JoeBandMember® — May 17, 2012 @ 7:14 pm
An Eskimo is driving through the snow when his snowmobile breaks down. He pushes it to into a garage and the mechanic says “looks like you’ve blown a Seal…” To which the Eskimo replies, “No no that’s just frost on my moustache.”
My sister (has two cats) sent me this a few weeks back, I was almost going to joke about finding an alarm clock just like it a while back for Headmissy’s new digs. Been away the last few days so apologies if it has been posted before. I was at a friends earlier this evening and he his wife were howling by the third pull.