today’s audience participation is for men… mostly

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  1. Too much makeup and clothes that don’t fit.

    Comment by Jess — November 25, 2012 @ 11:23 am

  2. +1 on the make-up.

    Hairspray is the second.

    Long, garishly painted, impractical nails are the third.

    If she can’t roll out of bed in the morning, wash her face,b rush her hair, and be ready for the day, then something’s wrong with her. Or me.

    MC

    Comment by mostly cajun — November 25, 2012 @ 11:31 am

  3. Yep, too much makeup (mostly the younger ones) or lack of what I call “blending skills”. There shouldn’t be a line under your chin, hon.

    Comment by mojo — November 25, 2012 @ 11:35 am

  4. Too much makeup usually means to little personality.

    Comment by Lurch — November 25, 2012 @ 11:41 am

  5. OK. Looks like too much make up is a universal gripe on the porch. I might add, especially in the lipstick area. Last thing I wanna taste when I kiss a lady is her lipstick.

    On to peircings. Ears, ok. one or two per lobe though. I can live with the subtle eyebrow ones or a tiny stud in the nose ( NO HOOPS)

    Definetly no lip rings or tongue studs.

    Comment by MikeG — November 25, 2012 @ 11:42 am

  6. Specifically, too much eye liner – unnaturally black lines around the eyes, especially on blondes.

    I’ll take tats on a case by case basis.

    Body piercings, no.

    Basically, just clean and neat

    Comment by leelu — November 25, 2012 @ 11:50 am

  7. …is enough.

    Sheesh.

    Comment by leelu — November 25, 2012 @ 11:51 am

  8. Add to the above heavy mascara/fake eyelashes. Some of them look big enough to support a pumpkin pie.

    Comment by Max — November 25, 2012 @ 11:56 am

  9. Makeup, at all, unless she has some hideous scar or birth defect that makes her too self-conscious to even show her face in public. God made each woman a certain way and I find almost all of them to look better without the paint. What evil monster gets inside girls’ heads around 7th grade that makes them think they have to hide behind a wall of fake muck?

    Related to the above, insecurity is incredibly unattractive. -I think fathers are to blame for a lot of that.

    Also, thinking we want to see so much skin. Yeah, the skanks get a lot of attention, but class and personality get the man for longer than a roll in the hay. It’s hard to top a classy lady in a long, elegant dress.

    Personally, I find tattoos and stapled bodies disgusting and disfiguring, but that’s me.

    Comment by Buzz — November 25, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

  10. Liberalism.

    Comment by logdogsmith — November 25, 2012 @ 12:09 pm

  11. What troubles me most about most women’s attempts at making themselves beautiful is that they try to become something they are not. As Hamlet says to Ophelia, “God gives you one face and you make yourselves another.”

    The bottom line to me is that a façade alone is merely a ruse. Superficial beauty is little more than a supermarket’s loss leader advertisement: a way to get the sucker into the store and separate him from his money.

    Beauty without at least a modicum of wisdom, without a reservoir of character, without a framework of ability is worth no more than the wrapper on a piece of Easter chocolate.

    My standards for female beauty originate in Southeast Asia, of course, and are not in the least marred or diminished by gray hair, thinning lips, sagging breasts . . . so long as the smile is genuine, the love is deep, the eyes are bright, and the touch is warm.

    Comment by bocopro — November 25, 2012 @ 12:11 pm

  12. Inflatables

    Comment by DougM (Well, thaaat sucked!) — November 25, 2012 @ 12:12 pm

  13. Makeup… really not needed; but too much is a huge turn off. Baggy or ill fitted clothing.

    Comment by satted — November 25, 2012 @ 12:21 pm

  14. Carp lips, esp a collagen loaded upper one, aka the “Julia Roberts” look. She came along and a bunch of women lost their minds and their pretty faces.
    And bolt ons.
    And too much black hairy caterpillar eye stuff, esp on blondes, as leelu noted.

    Comment by dick, not quite dead white guy — November 25, 2012 @ 12:24 pm

  15. She’s wearing makeup?

    Men do not notice this stuff unless it causes him pain or seriously implicates the person as a nutcase.

    Women wear make-up to impress each other.

    Men are more interested in sex.

    Comment by Kristophr — November 25, 2012 @ 12:26 pm

  16. Roger on the makeup

    PLUS – It’s perfume, not marinade!

    Comment by MCPO — November 25, 2012 @ 12:35 pm

  17. I admit I’m a bit old fashioned but at what point in time did ANYONE think it was sensual for a woman to have a Yosemite Sam, barbed wire or even a rose tattoo on her skin?

    Comment by Holger — November 25, 2012 @ 12:49 pm

  18. Tats are fine by me, too much makeup, not. And… I LOL’d at Master Chief. I have a Lady in our offices that must marinate every night.

    Comment by Wollf — November 25, 2012 @ 1:00 pm

  19. I’m going to swim against the tide in favor of makeup here; I’ve seen women wearing stunningly beautiful faces.

    Mind, I don’t want to work daily with such a face; it’s distracting. But in situations where she means to be distracting, and I want to be distracted in that way –yowzers.

    There is a common makeup mistake that turns me right off, though: a patch of rouge or blusher on the cheeks or cheekbones.

    Of course, any crudely applied makeup, especially eye makeup, can be off putting, but that red blotch has ruined more attractive faces than I care to remember.

    In general, the wisest fashion advice I’ve ever heard came from Steve Martin’s L.A. Story: Just before you walk out the door, glance at yourself in the mirror, and throw away the first thing that catches your eye.

    In other words, you want your appearance to be harmonious, balanced. The advice works for men as well as women. It works in home decorating, gardening, cooking, and life itself.

    Comment by DJMoore — November 25, 2012 @ 1:03 pm

  20. Eyebrows plucked to a thin arch, or worse, plucked out completely and penciled in.

    Belly fat. I know it’s not a style mistake per se, but it’s a turnoff that most women have some control over.

    Tats and piercings.

    Too little makeup can be as bad as too much. I like eyeliner. Frankly, I like a lot of eyeliner. But I hate lipstick. Lip gloss is okay.

    I’m fairly tolerant when it comes to fashion, but I dislike glitzy, blingy stuff.

    Comment by iD — November 25, 2012 @ 1:30 pm

  21. Agree with much written above, less is more.

    The worst is are lack of a smile, missing sense of humor, and unintelligent conversation.

    A cheerful demeanor works wonders regardless of the decorations.

    Comment by mech — November 25, 2012 @ 1:31 pm

  22. Brings to mind a li’l poem I wrote about the time my younger daughter turned 20 and decided to run off and be married.

    Incognifox Spring 1989

    Satisfying.
    That’s what she is
    Pleasant, not pretty
    Healthy, not heavenly
    Sensible, not sensual
    Durable, not delightful

    One man’s treasure: Daddy’s.
    Red hair, green eyes
    White teeth, a bit askew
    and freckles! Everywhere . . . ?
    Somehow perfect, though, for her
    Heavy-duty body
    Off-the-rack clothing
    Just-out-of-my-eyes hair

    No model, this . . . no starlet . . . no vision
    Just young woman . . . Everywhere!

    No thousand ships here . . . no fights . . . no toasts
    No nonsense.

    No young man’s fancy:
    Imitation as intellect
    Mimicry as maturity
    Violence as passion
    Laziness as leisure
    Snobbery as class

    Real world lady:
    Person, not presentation
    Face, not composition
    Flesh, not fantasy
    Companion, not conquest
    Friend, not fox

    But I can see her
    With these hardened lenses
    Past these shortened arms
    While younger men prowl . . .
    And I can love her
    With these softer standards
    In these longer views
    While younger men scowl

    And I know her . . . now . . .
    And she never has to know . . . now . . .
    And she knows their minds
    Before they know themselves
    But they never know each other.

    And nobody wins.

    Comment by bocopro — November 25, 2012 @ 1:47 pm

  23. Fake anything!! I must say I’ve seen many a head turn when a fake everything walks in a room. Starting at the breasts and going up than back to the breasts and down– as she walks/wiggles by it’s on the ass. Which could be fake also.

    Comment by geezerette — November 25, 2012 @ 1:54 pm

  24. +1 to all the above – I can’t stand fake anything on a woman, be it boobs, butt, nails, eyelashes, hair, anything. If it’s fake and it’s on a woman, that woman has a problem with herself that I want nothing to do with.

    Perfume – All it takes is one or two drops. If I can taste your perfume from five feet away, you’re going to make me retch before the evening is through.

    I don’t mind tats and piercings. But wear too much make-up and I’m running away as fast as I can. I prefer none at all.

    Comment by Ragin' Dave — November 25, 2012 @ 2:08 pm

  25. Looks don’t matter; all I care about is personality. Inner beauty is what matters most. I can’t stand immature guys who don’t see the whole picture.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Oh, man. I need a Kleenex to dry my eyes. Whoo, boy. I’ll be okay in a second.

    Comment by SteveHGraham — November 25, 2012 @ 2:26 pm

  26. Aftermarket parts.

    Comment by apotheosis — November 25, 2012 @ 2:29 pm

  27. Hygiene is probably the biggest thing for me, including proper hair care (yes, I’m one of those oh-so-evil men that likes smooth legs, bare armpits, and well, there too.)

    Tattoo’s are a bit of a turnoff too, but as long as they aren’t so big they are distracting, I’m sure I would overlook them.

    Eyebrow piercings.

    I’m sure my list is even longer than that, but personality can override a lot of the issues I might have.

    Hygiene is a must though.

    Comment by Caged Insanity — November 25, 2012 @ 3:33 pm

  28. Women who wear shoes they can’t walk in.

    Comment by SondraK, Queen of my domain — November 25, 2012 @ 3:36 pm

  29. Too Much Makeup
    +1 on “it’s perfume, not marinade”
    More than one or two small, discrete, tattoos
    Piercings anywhere except the earlobes
    No Brains or Class
    Not enough Cleavage

    Comment by Gomer — November 25, 2012 @ 4:43 pm

  30. #22 — I forgot— NICE!!

    Comment by geezerette — November 25, 2012 @ 5:04 pm

  31. Wearing your club whore clothes in broad daylight during the workweek.

    Too much jewelry and hair extensions.

    Comment by The Ugly American — November 25, 2012 @ 5:31 pm

  32. Gomer’s closing in on it for me. I start losing interest after the second earlobe piercing. SOME belly button piercings might be okay.

    “One or two small, discrete tattoos.” Yep, especially if one of ‘em is in a place for “privileged select viewing.” Unfortunately, a good many women’s tattoos fall into the “too much money for your own good / what the hell were you thinking??” category.

    Damn, I must be gettin’ old…

    Comment by rickn8or — November 25, 2012 @ 5:31 pm

  33. *dyin’ here!

    Comment by Melissa In Texas — November 25, 2012 @ 5:54 pm

  34. Tattoos
    face piercings
    very short hair
    tattoos
    bad posture
    tattoos
    and
    tattoos

    Comment by Annoyed White Male — November 25, 2012 @ 6:03 pm

  35. Lack of a smile

    Comment by Rick — November 25, 2012 @ 6:18 pm

  36. So much eye make up they look like a raccoon.

    Haircut like a scrub brush.

    Multicolored hair.

    Comment by JoeBandMember™ — November 25, 2012 @ 6:47 pm

  37. OK. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Next audience participation gonna be about us guys?

    Comment by MikeG — November 25, 2012 @ 9:08 pm

  38. The purpose of make up is to enhance – not conceal or distract from.

    No One wants to see that! Cover it up; underwear, butt-cleavage, rolls, boobehz in your soup…

    Be fair to men: if you’re gonna lay it out on a platter for ‘em — lay it out on a platter and give it to ‘em. Otherwise ya just piss ‘em off.

    Please: foundation garments. I do not want to see them: I do want to see their effects.

    If you paint on clown eye brows, expect me to goggle a bit before I can actually speak to you.

    If you fell face first into your Daddy’s tackle box, expect me to avert my eyes while I order my coffee.

    Grey, black and dirty brown are not the only colors in the world. Explore a little. One at a time, please – til you get the hang of it.

    Comment by Hope Rogers — November 25, 2012 @ 10:45 pm

  39. Chipped, peeling, cracked nail polish. And fingernail chewed down to the quick. Although I can overlook chewed toenails as that takes quite a bit of bendy-ness.

    Comment by Spin — November 26, 2012 @ 3:02 am

  40. No one mentioned the camel toe. Or poofy cleavage or the stink string showing above the top of your way too tight jeans. # 39 how about dirty feet with cracked chipped nail polish in a pair of rubber half worn out flip flops? I don’t know tho–would that be considered a “beauty” mistake? I think if I were the creator of the human species I would be sorrily disappointed. I’d be wondering where the F I went wrong. Maybe trying to think of a way to take the best of what I did and start all over. It’s happened b/4.

    Comment by geezerette — November 26, 2012 @ 8:12 am

  41. The word we need to re-invigorate is : Slatternly.

    So no one mentioned high boots with tucked in skinny pants?
    [arrrr... bite the parrot]
    *whew* cuz that is soooooooo comfortable.

    Comment by Claire: rebellious pink pig with car keys - and a *cause* — November 26, 2012 @ 8:35 am

  42. Tats and piercings. Also, clothes should banned on all wiminz under thirty.

    Comment by Alan outback bacon czar — November 26, 2012 @ 9:26 am

  43. ^ Yay me! I’m going to be 29 and 37/13ths in a couple weeks! :)

    Comment by SondraK, Queen of my domain — November 26, 2012 @ 9:34 am

  44. Your so Fine–gonna be 39 and—– 37/13ths–it’s better singing that –

    Comment by geezerette — November 26, 2012 @ 10:11 am

  45. Daytime television and its trappings.

    Humorlessness *or* trivial thinking.

    Either parody of femininity or parody of masculinity – this is a bizarre culture war offshoot.

    Scent as a substitute for cleanliness. Any extreme perfume.

    Hair the same color as skin. I don’t know why I find this creepy, but I do.

    As far as makeup or the rest of the list, ehh, just use some sense.

    I think it’s wonderful when a woman is a “natural beauty,” but I don’t expect women to settle for what they have if they’re not. I know it’s not about me.

    I admire women who “costume” themselves in a consistent and flattering way, but have no expectation of it. I should really go to some of those “Con” things where people dress up, but some of them frighten me off.

    Comment by Merovign — November 26, 2012 @ 10:49 am

  46. Women who engage in what I call the “art of self-uglification”.
    Really?
    Spending time/money/effort to make yourself look unappealing/different/trendy/hipster/uncaring? I’ve known women to do this to project the attitude of “looks don’t matter” or “beauty is more than skin deep”. Unfortunately, I’ve found this often masks a deeper psychological problem.

    Comment by danintampa — November 26, 2012 @ 11:15 am

  47. I agree w/ Buzz, #9. Gaudy turns me off. I like a nice face backed up with sweetness and common sense. A lady. No piercings, tats or make up/perfume by the gallon. Skirts are always nice.

    That’s OK. Go ahead and call me old fashioned. I wear that label with pride.

    Comment by TomR, armed in Texas — November 26, 2012 @ 11:16 am

  48. Too much make up
    saying they are fat when the are not
    inflatable boobs
    tattoos that cover the whole body

    Comment by Stix1972 (Honey Badger doesn't give a shit) — November 26, 2012 @ 11:19 am

  49. I no particular order:
    Makeup put on with a trowel(what are you hiding?)
    Trying to squeeze into tight clothes that do not fit, and wouldn’t suit you if they did.
    Lots of piercings(just annoying to me)
    Stripper shoes; not only do they look silly, most women clomp in them.
    A mature woman trying to dress like a teenager. Especially a teenage skank.

    Comment by Firehand — November 26, 2012 @ 12:24 pm

  50. Smelly make up. I don’t care if it makes you look like a fashion model.
    There’s a reason I never let fashion models close enough for me to smell them. (Well I would make a few exceptions)

    Comment by Gwillie — November 26, 2012 @ 3:55 pm

  51. One more thing:
    wearing a hemline at just the wrong length to spoil a nice turn of calf or thigh or to highlight an unfortunate inner-knee shape.
    (What? Leg man? Ohh, yeahhh.)

    Spin (39)
    “Bendy-ness?
    I see that this topic has brought out the pervs.
    No, wait, not “pervs.”
    Oh, what’s the word?
    Oh, yeah … “aficionados.”

    Comment by DougM (Well, thaaat sucked!) — November 26, 2012 @ 4:13 pm

  52. Too much make-up, bad hygiene and smell like a urinal cake or a sub sandwich.

    Comment by icemaned13 — November 26, 2012 @ 4:52 pm

  53. Tough room

    Comment by Veranda — November 26, 2012 @ 4:53 pm

  54. geezerette (40)
    I don’t think most men back in the late 70′s early 80′s minded camel toes. After all they were a fashion statement back then. Pants like high-wasted jeans and stretch-pants were supposed to be worn that way. But I often wondered; isn’t that uncomfortable to wear like that? And how do you keep for becoming aroused with every step?

    Never the less we pervs aficionados liked looking at them. BTW, just watched the original “V” and every girl on that TV show was sportin’ one.

    Comment by Spin — November 26, 2012 @ 5:07 pm

  55. This was a fun read. Can’t top the #1 being makeup. But when it comes to clothes, granny panties and those baggy pajama bottoms with clowns and balloons on them. The just scream to me “it’s my time of the month, don’t come near me unless you want to lose some manly parts”!

    Comment by tctsunami — November 26, 2012 @ 5:37 pm

  56. Thanks, TomR, I’ve thought this way since my adolescent years.
    Peers thought there was something wrong with me.
    Grown women called me “wise beyond my years.”
    My brother told me I was gay.

    I just know that “Dr. Quinn” or “Caroline Ingalls” do FAR more for me than Madonna, Christina Aguilera, or {shudder} Pam Anderson. (Ugh, just typing her name makes me feel the need to bathe in bleach.)

    Admittedly, however, makeup or not, in-person viewing of Crystal Gayle, Lucy Lawless, or Lynda Carter would cause me to lose coherent thought and self control.

    Comment by Buzz — November 26, 2012 @ 6:50 pm

  57. ^^^Buzz, little known fact. I am married to one on your second list. Ssshhhhh.

    Comment by Wollf — November 26, 2012 @ 7:10 pm

  58. Geezerette, I knew of a couple of women who wore them for exactly that reason

    Comment by Firehand — November 27, 2012 @ 8:18 pm

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