Comment by apotheosis — December 3, 2012 @ 7:56 am
I think he was conceived on that bus. He could have been if he wanted to who would say otherwise?
Comment by geezerette — December 3, 2012 @ 8:00 am
Parking Lot Awash In Fleshy Goo
3 December 2012
Animal Remains Found Under Buses In D.C.
City police were mystified this morning by numerous greasy spots found under buses in the municipal lot behind Wocjinski’s Irish Pub near the Capitol.
Responding to a baffling call from the dispatcher, Sgt. Webb Thursday and his trainee Patrolman Harrison Subaru found large smears of what appeared to be animal tissue and fluids where dozens of city buses are parked each night.
Driver LaShebango Mbobo-D’bobo first noticed an odd stain on the pavement as the bus in front of hers pulled out. She pulled up to get a closer look and immediately radioed the dispatcher, Flloyd “Numbnuts” Flournoi.
Flournoi sent his office assistant, Markee Mustafa Washington, to investigate, and when Washington reported that “It look like somebody done runned ovah sumpin big ‘n’ fat,” Flournoi immediately called 9-11, which he had previously had his son enter on speed dial for just such an occasion.
On a hunch, Subaru began checking under other buses still in the lot and found similar puddles of flesh under nearly all of them. Thursday used the dispatcher’s radio to ask Mdobo-D’bobo if she’d seen anyone “messin around” in the lot before she rolled out for her morning run.
“Naw,” she said, “’cept fo d’ reg’lar bums ‘n’ deadbeats, I di’n’t see nobody hangin’ ‘roun’. I knowed them spots don’t be no tranny or injun oil, doe. Ass why I called it in.”
Investigators collected samples from at least 45 different spots for laboratory analysis. Initial on-scene tests indicated that most of the material appears to be of human origin, although one smear had obviously been corrupted by what one technician called “hyena vomit.”
At the site of what the medical examiner determined to be the oldest spot, evidence of contamination by an unknown species was found. “The DNA clearly is not quite human but looks like a deliberate cross between a human and non-human pair,” said forensic pathologist Tamiko Sulu in a tweet to Subaru.
Since several of the smears obviously contain the remains of more than one victim, investigators have not yet determined the total number, although Sgt. Thursday was overhead to say that it’s “close, damned close to the number of assholes you’d expect to find at a cabinet meeting.”
In other news, no one has seen President Obama, Vice-President Biden, Secretary of State Clinton, Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts, or any member of the cabinet since yesterday.